Sometimes when trying to move forward an essential step is to sort through the clutter of your past. Both figuratively and literally. Over the past couple of weeks I have spend a lot of emotional energy trying to make sense of this past year and in someways I am starting to feel a little bit better. With that in mind, I felt like it was time to deal with the more concrete aspects of the past. (Not to mention that to if I plan on moving overseas, I had better get my house in order first. And by my house, I of course mean my parents house, namely my childhood bedroom.) And that is how I found myself surrounded by 24 years worth of collected items and the complex memories they hold.
To be entirely honest, I am not sure if this entry can count as a first but it is something I have been wanting to do for a while and I thought publicly announcing it (to the general blogosphere since I have all of zero actual readers) would be a good way of
forcing encouraging myself follow through. In 2003 (which holy shit was 10 years ago!) BBC polled their audience and asked them to nominate their favorite novels. From that sprung a massive list of 200 books recommended by the people of Britian as worth reading in this lifetime. Apparently, I have read about 43 of the 200 which isn’t terrible. I am going to try very hard not to lie and include the ones I have only seen the movies for (I am looking at your Anna Karenina). I have copies of about 9 of them waiting for me on my e-reader so I look forward to starting with some classics.
‘Tis the season to reflect. With Christmas behind us and the New Year approaching, it seems to be the time of year where we examine what has been and imagine what will be. We look to the start of a new year as a time to re-invent ourselves. As I tend to find new years resolutions rather forced, in 2013 instead of focusing on what I want to change, I will focus on what I want to accomplish. Since this blog is all about firsts and there are so very many firsts that I have been dreaming of experiencing, I have decided to write a list of all the amazing things I hope to do in my life. While there is no timeline for these activities, I do hope that some of them will be lived in 2013 and I will be able to chronicle them here.
What do you do when you realize you are not where you are meant to be?
I asked myself this question two years ago when I realized my life wasn’t what I had dreamed it would be. I was killing myself at a job that was burning me out, I was mourning the loss of a relationship and I was living in a body that was holding me back. I felt sad and confused. I honestly didn’t know where my future lay.
What started out as an adventure into the world of dating, got quickly derailed by the most mysterious, uncontrollable adventure of all – love. With one failed attempt to put my past behind me, I realized that the only thing I truly wanted was the one person I wasn’t supposed to have. After weeks of his emails, phone calls, Skype messages, Facebook messages, LinkedIn messages and then finally a surprise visit, I listened to what he had to say. Then going against the good advice of my friends, family and my logical brain, I decided to get back into that relationship. Fast forward 5 months. 5 months of extreme happiness and extreme sadness. 5 months of confusion, tears, heartbreak, laughter, learning and in the end the knowledge that although we love each other, we can no longer be together. It is still not a reality that I am fully prepared to deal with, but I am taking steps to get there. I am mapping out a new future in the hopes of letting go of my present.