#1 – The Time That I Learned History Repeats Itself…

What do you do when you realize you are not where you are meant to be?

I asked myself this question two years ago when I realized my life wasn’t what I had dreamed it would be. I was killing myself at a job that was burning me out, I was mourning the loss of a relationship and I was living in a body that was holding me back. I felt sad and confused. I honestly didn’t know where my future lay.

One day a series of small frustrations led to a boiling point. I remember thinking I am worth more than this. So I decided to make a change. A lot of change. I wrote down who I wanted to be and worked to become that person. I  got a new job with (what I thought was) the ideal organization. I moved to a new apartment in an exciting new part of the city. I signed up for french classes. I started running and doing yoga. I made new friends at work. And I met an amazingly handsome, smart, well-travelled, well-read, interesting man who captured my heart. I was happy. I was inspired. I was living the life I’d dreamed of. For a while.

Now two years on, I find myself once again asking myself why I feel so lost. I am uninspired at work. I am bored of my routine. I am nursing a broken heart. And I am craving change.

What do I do now? Make a new list? Set new goals? Chart a new course? Where will it get me? Is this a pattern that will repeat itself every few years? Or at the end of every relationship? Is reinventing yourself a blessing, an opportunity for fresh perspective, an exciting new adventure? Or is it a curse, a way of running away from our problems, a burning of bridges? Will my next adventure create a stronger, wiser, more empathic, more creative person? Or will I feel as lost and as alone but with an ocean between me and everyone I love?

Today I say yes to hope. I choose to believe there is a big, bright, beautiful future out there waiting for me. Filled with people I have never met, places I have never been, jobs I have never heard of. I choose to believe that I will walk forward into this future and won’t look back.

Today I say yes to change. The one thing I know for certain is the only thing we can truly count on is change. Winter melts to spring. Sun rises lightens the night. And life slowly evolves.

Elle

Spoken word I’ve said one million times.
Repetitious things I’ve done one million times.
Who are you to tell me that I’ll always be this way.
 I close my eyes and I turn around. 
And leave it all behind. 
So free for the moment. 
Lost because I wanna be lost. 
Don’t try to find me.
 
Spring
 
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