A story of love, loss, longing and letting go.

There are so many times I wish I could speak to you but we have finally seemed to escape each others dangerous grasp and I can’t allow us to be pulled back in. My fear is if I carry these emotions with me, I may never let go, I may never move on, I may never heal. And so I choose to write them here. All of the millions of thoughts that I want to tell you but cannot say:

Happy birthday, my love. I truly hope that this year brings you happiness, fulfillment and peace. I hope you continue to explore this beautiful, welcoming, ever-changing city. I hope you will always take care of yourself – physically, mentally and emotionally. I hope you know that I still believe you are a good man who deserves love.

Because of you I know what it means to really love someone. I used to believe that maybe I would never find someone with whom I truly connected. I was afraid that being with a nice guy was the best I could hope for. But now I know what it feels like to be head over heels in love. What it feels like to lose yourself in a moment of pure happiness. What it feels like to love someone so much you would choose their happiness over your own. Our relationship had its problems and probably wasn’t healthy for either of us, but it taught me to believe in overwhelming passion, connection and love. I know I will never again settle for anything less. I will never stop searching for that level of happiness, love, desire, understanding, comfort, excitement and intellectual stimulation. I know it is possible and I have to believe I will find it again.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for every time you told me I was beautiful. For every time you said I was smart. For every time you got me to try something new. For every new perspective you offered me. For every time you challenged my views and showed me another side to an argument. For every time you dealt with my crazy temper and my nerves. Thank you for the encouragement. Thank you for showing me the value of a loving family. Thank you for making me love and appreciate my life.

And lastly, thank you for leaving. I was not, and still am not, strong enough to leave you. I would have gladly stayed by your side. I would have nursed you through every illness, comforted you through every doubt, loved you through ever lie, and eventually lost myself completely. The pain, the loneliness, the detachment, the all-consuming sadness of the past few months has helped me to make what could one of the biggest decisions of my life. If it wasn’t for you, I may never have had the courage to change my life and follow my dreams of living overseas.

I believe we came into each other lives for a reason. I believe we were meant to love each other and learn from each other. I also believe that we must have fulfilled that purpose and that we are now free. I hope that I gave you some of the wonder and joy that you gave me. I hope that wherever you are and whatever you choose to do, that you are happy. And I hope that sometimes you think of me.

With love always,

Elle.

I never loved nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground

Suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love
Suppose I never ever let you
Kiss me so sweet and so soft
Suppose I never ever saw you
Suppose you never ever called
Suppose I kept on singing love songs 

Suppose I never ever met you
Suppose we never fell in love

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s