It has been six months since we spoke. And yet I still think of you everyday. I still miss you everyday. I still wish I could talk to you every day. If I could speak to you, what would I say?
I would say my life without you is fine. Days tick by and I survive. Time moves forward and the pain lessens. I moved to Europe like I’d always dreamed of doing. I’ve made new friends, found a new job, explored a new city. I am travelling, writing, accomplishing my goals, living my dreams. But I am still not me. I’ve lost something. I’ve been changed.
I would say that as I wander around these beautiful places, historical places, famous places, exotic places – I think of you. I wish you were here to share these moments with me. I wish I knew your thoughts during each new experience. I wish you were here opening my eyes to a whole new way of seeing. When I daydream to a chorus of birdsong, wonder at the fragility of a blooming flower, or lose myself in the beauty of the universe, I think of you.
I would say that I am trying to fill my life with adventure, my head with happiness and my heart with love. I am trying to put the past behind me while cherishing our memories. I am trying to pick up the pieces of my broken life and create one filled with awe. But I wonder if I will ever be able to fill the void that you left.
I would say that even when I miss you and I am filled with a longing for your love, I still remember the pain you cause me. I remember the fear, the anxiety, the self-doubt. I remember crying until I was exhausted, being so stressed I was physically sick, being so anxious that my body would shake and my teeth would chatter, being so jealous that I could not think. I remember and I vow to never feel that way again.
I would say that I slept with someone else. That I thought it would bring me some closure and help me to move on. I thought it would be like closing one chapter and beginning another. But it was a mistake. It was too much, too soon, and it only caused me pain. It made me realize how truly special our connection was. It made me understand that once you sleep with someone what you love and trust completely, you simply cannot forget how that feels. Our chemistry was unlike anything I had ever experienced and maybe never will again. But I hope, I believe, that one day, I will find a man who lights me on fire the way you did. Who makes me feel as alive and as beautiful as you did. Who loves me as much as I know you did.
I would say that I believe people come into our lives for a reason. That they teach us about ourselves, about gratitude, respect, unconditional love and about the fragility of life. Sometimes people come into our lives for a day, a night, a season, a year or a lifetime. But they all leave their mark. You have changed me in more ways than I know.
I would say I still believe that we are connected. That sometimes I feel you and wonder if you are thinking of me. The day you emailed me, after months of silence, I wasn’t surprised because I felt that you had sent me something and had been drawn to check.
I would say that sometimes I wonder if I would have converted for you and what would have happened to me if I did. Would I have been lost? Would I have sacrificed my family, my friends? Would I have resented you? Would I have regretted it always? I think you knew that was not a life for me and you chose to let me go.
I would say that I have found much solace in what you taught me about god’s plan. I have found much comfort in the belief that god has lain a path in front of us and we must do our best to follow it. I choose to believe that these moments of darkness and pain lead towards a future in which I am free. Every time I am filled with sadness I pray. I pray for you. I pray that you are happy, healthy and safe. I pray for myself. I pray that I may be grateful for each moment I am given, that I may never regret the past and that I may find my happiness. I still love you fiercely and miss you in a thousand ways, but I choose to see this as the right path for both of us.
I would say that I cannot write you back. I made a pact with myself that I wouldn’t contact you again until I had put an ocean, six months and two new connections between us. Today I am an ocean away, six months have passed and I have momentarily allowed one man into my life. I have not fulfilled my promise to myself and I do not believe I am ready to have you in my life.
If I could write you back I would simply say what is in my heart. I would say what I repeat to myself every time I miss you and wish you were beside me. I would say the truth. I love you. I miss you. And I hope that wherever you are, and whatever you are doing, that you are happy.
With love always.
You said no one would ever know
The love that we had shared.
As I took my leave to go
It was clear you didn’t care.
And the darkness can descend,
We can relish all the pain.
But I know that’s what you love,
Cause you know I love the same.
Where are you now?
Where are you now?
Do you ever think of me
In the quiet, in the crowd?