A question of forever.

I know what I want from my life, from a relationship, from a partner. What is it you want?

I want a companion who is an integral part of my life. Will you be friends with my friends? Will you come to baby birthday parties and holiday potlucks with me? Will we travel the world in search of adventure? Will you come to thanksgiving? Will I ever know your family? Will you be a part of mine?

I want a relationship that sustains me and that grows into something meaningful. Would we move in together? Will you comfort me through the hard times? Will you hold my hand on long flights and take the stairs instead of the elevator when I am afraid?

I am flawed, wounded, self-conscious, jealous, angry. I am not beautiful, sexy, compassionate or kind. Will you take me as I am? Will you love me on my worst days as well as my best?  Will you forgive my sins and forget the harsh words I utter when my temper flares? Will you want me even when you compare me to the other gorgeous women who will surely be attracted to you? Are you ready to be exclusive and commit fully?

I want to know that I am safe from the pain and torment of our failed past. Can you promise me you will always be honest? Can you say for certain you won’t search the internet for other women? Will you still sign up for dating sites? Will you continue to speak to all your ex-girlfriends? How can I know what we have is real when it was so easy for you to spend a year with someone else? How do I know that you didn’t say all the same words of love to her? Are you still be searching for something better?

I want a partner for life. Can you see yourself being in this relationship for the long-term? Will you marry me one day? Will you take care of yourself and live a long, healthy life? How will your religion affect our relationship? Will you stay with me through the darkest nights? Will you be by my bedside when I’m 90 and in the hospital? Will you sing to me and tell me stories when I am weak, sick, confused? Will you celebrate a lifetime of love with me?

I want a real, grown-up relationship with all the transparency, honesty and commitment that that involves. I want a forever. I want someone who, each and every day, will choose that they want to spend their life with me.

Tell me what you want.

Elle.

Love it will not betray you 
dismay you 
or enslave you. 
It will set you free. 

 

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A story of two years, three words and the truth.

The truth is I love you too. Being with you was the most mesmerizing, beautiful, gut-wrenching, heart-breaking, transformative experience of my life. When we were happy, it was the happiest I have ever been. I look back on our time together and I remember sun-filled mornings, profound conversations and long, perfect kisses. In the months we spent together I was more myself than I have ever been before. You made me feel more alive than I believed possible. I was intensely happy and completely in love with you.

But it was a lie. We weren’t happy, we weren’t in love. Our relationship was made of lies, secrets and betrayal. Your deceptions created chaos and turmoil that nearly destroyed me. You didn’t respect me or value me. You were always looking for something better, something more. We had no foundation and I could never ever trust you.

It has been almost two years since the day you walked out the front door and I walked away from my life. Two years since my heart was ripped from my chest. Two years and not a day goes by that I don’t think of you. Two years of comparing every man I meet to you. Two years of special moments that deep-down I hope to share with you one day.

And then today, you write to tell me you love me. Three simple words that change everything.

But nothing has changed, not really. You are still Muslim and I am not. You still want kids and I might not. I still want to travel the world and you want to stay in Canada. But more than anything else, I still can’t trust you. I want to share my life with someone who respects me. I want to build a life with an honest, decent man. I want to spend holidays with my family, to make champagne toasts to our happiness and to share wild adventures in the far reaches of the globe. I want a partner with whom I can live the life of my dreams.

I wish I could write you back and tell you the truth. Tell you I love you too. Tell you that I want to see you, hold you, and be happy after two long years. I wish we could go back to sunny afternoons in the park, intense discussions of world events, quietly doing the dishes together and long nights in each other arms, but we can’t go backwards. And the hard, terrible, heart-breaking truth is those three simple words are not enough. 

I love you always.

Elle.

Losing him was blue like I’d never known. 
Missing him was dark grey all alone. 
Forgetting him was like trying to know somebody you never met. 
But loving him was red, burning red. 
Remembering him comes in flashbacks and echoes. 
Tell myself it’s time now, gotta let go. 
But moving on from him is impossible when I still see it all in my head burning red. 
Loving him was red. 

#7 – The Time That I Knitted Something To Completion…

Time and again I have begun a knitting project only to become discouraged and give up. I have started at least a dozen hats, scarves, blankets, etc. over the years and have nothing to show for it. And honestly, I only have myself to blame. As with many areas of my life, I tend to get so very excited about a project in the beginning until inevitably my enthusiasm wanes and I lose interest. Whether it is attending an exercise class, learning a new language, starting a blog, or knitting a blanket, I have always seem to lack follow through. Upon reflection, I think my issue stems from my overly high expectations. Even though I routinely say that I don’t believe in perfection, I do get so very annoyed when things don’t turn out how I expect them to (which let’s face it, is pretty close to perfect). The real failure is that instead of seeing something through to the end, learning the lesson and improving next time, I almost invariably cast the whole thing aside. Well not this time. I am happy to say that this time I have actually completed a project.

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